Excerpts

     How sad that of the three things in life that gave him pleasure, the first two made him fat and drunk, and the third rarely presented itself anymore.

     He smelled like he’d been drinking.  Sophie noticed the large bulge, which was so obvious in his tight britches.  She liked men in tight britches.

     “What dribble,” Aunt Flora grumbled as she finished reading Don Quixote. “Two peculiar men riding all over the countryside, running at windmills and chasing ghosts and pooping off the back end of a mule if such a thing is even possible.”

     “He’s pretty, he has a brain the size of a small sausage, he’s hung like a horse, and he inherits everything.”  Lady Briscoe sighed.  “Some would say, an ideal husband.”

     “You see, child, unfortunately, it is a woman’s place in this world to please others more than herself.  And when you open both your heart and your legs, you always lose…”

     “Now, the accepted treatment for female hysteria, as you may or may not know, is suffocation until the fits stop, then shocking the hysterical woman back to her senses by smacking her about the face and bare buttocks with wet towels.”

     “Soon my pet, soon,” whispered lovely, dark haired Maria with her heavy Spanish accent, while she rubbed the dauphin on his favorite place. “You must have patience, my great big, stiff, silly French sausage.”

     Struggling with his buttons, Welby stood up and turned toward the door, then immediately sat back down on the bed.  A pretty, blonde girl in a white dress was standing against the wall, looking at him with a big smile on her face.

     The Colonel and Tripp wouldn’t see the sun for the next several days due to the  thick  cloud  cover.  They  rode  slowly, two small figures on a landscape of rolling hills and mist filled valleys that ran to the horizon.   On several occasions, they saw riders in the distance but never encountered anyone.  When it grew dark, they stopped and camped for the night.  At times, they saw lights flashing beyond the ridges and heard the low rumble of cannon fire, which the Colonel remarked was odd because they were headed north, away from the fighting.

     After brushing out Lady Weston’s hair, Bridget helped her mistress out of her dress and underclothes and into bed.  Then Bridget took off her own clothes, blew out the candle, and slipped in beside her.  With the warm comforter pulled up to their chins, they lay there together naked in the dark, watching the moonlit patterns of the trees moving on the walls and ceiling.  Ever since the mysterious death of her husband more than four years before, Lady Weston had not been able to sleep alone.

    “It’s a shame we can’t love someone from a distance and have that be that,” the Colonel remarked.
    “I wouldn’t want to love pudding that way,” Tripp told him.
“Pudding?”
“Pudding has to be tasted.”
“A woman is a different thing,” the Colonel supposed.
“Not really.”

    “Just put your hands on my breasts.  Lie on top of me like a pirate, and stay very, very still,” Susannah said.

     “Beyond that, medical science is helpless and can do nothing more.  I’ve done all that can be done.  It is out of my hands.” He paused. “I’m afraid the man is within hours of giving his enemies the slip forever,” the doctor concluded with a phrase he often used.

     As he walked, the narrow backstreets of London closed in around him, blocking out the light. Flecks of gray soot began to fall like snow. He passed abandoned shops and old buildings propped up with beams to keep them from collapsing into the street. The oil lamps had been left burning and the whole area seemed deserted. Rats were everywhere. He could see their red eyes gleaming in the shadows.

     “….And whosoever doth sucketh on the devil’s tit and partaketh of the evil gin and the immoral sweet potatoes of life, shall languish in hell’s fiery abyss for all of eternity, with the devil’s own hot, pointy, three-pronged fork to spear thee multitudinous times in thy wicked fat thighs and sad droopy buttocks.”
Smiling, Letitia stood up and left the church.